Dear Tottenham players and staff,
I got such wonderful feedback from those of you who I bought presents for last year, I just had to send you some more to say thank you for a great start to the season, and to give you further incentive to carry it on into 2012. Have a look below to see what you can expect to find in the post for Christmas day.
Roman Pavlyuchenko – Super Pav The Album. A CD of Spurs fans singing various Pav songs, guaranteed to lift spirits and rouse effort from even the laziest of Russians. (Does not include Super Scotty Parker version and brings no guarantees towards improved first touches.)
Emmanuel Adebayor – Ade says he needs to earn £170k a week as he uses his money to “help Africa”. I’ve got him a monthly subscription to donate to Oxfam. So his concience can be clear about using his money to “help Africa” without needing £170k a week from us next season.
Rafael Van Der Vaart – A water bottle. For when he scores at the Emirates, to throw the water bottle to the ground Wenger sulk esq right in front of the Arsenal bench. It’s guaranteed to be the greatest goal celebration ever and VDV will be permanently etched in highlights videos and Spurs fan’s memories for ever more. I’ve also got him a book of hamstring stretches, for obvious reasons.
Gomes & Kranjcar – While we may not pick you to be in the first team, that doesn’t mean we don’t love you guys. I’ve got them a Hug Pillow, so they can always feel Harry’s arm round the shoulder love even in the cold lonely nights outside of the first team.
Ledley King – Bionic knees. Now I’m not a doctor (no, really) but surely we’ve got to be at the scientific age where silly money can buy you top quality bionic knees. And surely FIFA can be bribed with further silly money to let a bionic Ledley King play football.
Scott Parker – A diamond encrusted leash to lure opposition players in and then keep them on it.Brad Friedel – To show that I truly now accept Big Bad Brad as a Spurs player and am grateful of his calming influence on the back four and also me, as I no longer need to worry about our goalkeeper dropping a clanger, White Lilies. Nothing says “sorry for thinking you were going to be a rubbish signing” like flowers. Lily White ones as well.
Giovanni Dos Santos – An evening with Derren Brown. Only he can fathom why Dos Santos is so good for Mexico, but so useless for Spurs.
Benoit Assou-Ekotto – A £33 voucher to take to the deed poll people to shorten his name (seriously, that’s all it costs), thus enabling us to come up with a song for him. Oh Benny, whoa, Oh Benny, whoa. You haven’t got a song. Cos your names too f***ing long.
Gareth Bale – His own personal taxi for the resumption of sending opposition right backs home in one.
Luka Modric – A pre-written thank you note to pass to Daniel Levy, explaining to him that he was right to stop you from going to Chelsea and despite what you may have thought, you now see that Chelsea are in decline while Spurs are on the up. Luka now love chicken badge.
Harry Redknapp – Two books. “How to Pay Taxes by Milan Mandaric” and “A Pocket Guide to Managers Who Had Their Career’s Ruined by Managing England featuring quotes from Mr Taylor, Keegan, Eriksson, McClaren & Capello”. Both of which will help him realise he should stay at Spurs and continue to take us upwards.